Negative. Try again later.

This is the first day that I've felt strong enough to come back to this blog and post to it. Just a few days after creating our blog, I experienced cramping and spotting. I made an appointment to visit the doctor the following Monday, and by the time I headed to the doctor I was miscarrying the pregnancy. An ultrasound performed by a very rude tech with no bedside manner was inconclusive, but my bloodwork showed a significantly lower level than we would've seen in a viable pregnancy. The next day the bleeding increased and it was clear that I had lost the pregnancy.

Each week I go back to get another blood test, hoping that the levels are close enough to zero that we can end that fruitless process and start again with the next cycle.

I know we have only been trying for a few months, and I know the well-meaners are right when they say we have time to try again and have a successful pregnancy. However, for those who have never lost a pregnancy, no matter how early or late, this loss is the loss of a CHILD. I feel as if I had a child in my arms that was snatched away from me.

My solace comes from the philosophy my husband and I have always believed in, that still holds true for us now. I have always believed there is a set number of "souls" that you are destined to encounter as a parent in your lifetime. If you lose a pregnancy, you have not lost that "soul" completely, it's more of a delayed meeting. I firmly believe that this was not our time to meet our little one, and that in the near future we will have a successful pregnancy in which she will be snug, secure, and sticky for all 9 months and beyond.

It doesn't make the wait any easier, however. :-(

We're Pregnant!

Today is Week 4, Day 4 of our first pregnancy. Woohoo! Aside from fighting off a head cold, I've been feeling pretty normal. I had some morning sickness on Tuesday (was super nauseous on the way home from school) and some stomach gurgling (gas maybe?) but other than that, I think I'm too early to have much more than that.

I managed to change medical groups completely after getting a weird feeling from my family practioner, so on October 13th we'll be going in for our first prenatal appointment. According to the super nice receptionist, this visit will include an ultrasound (yay!!!) so we can see what there is to see, and possibly hear the fetal heartbeat (yay again!!!). Then we'll meet with the nurse practitioner to get all the details on upcoming visits and whatnot.

I have to say, and hopefully I'm not jinxing anything, but today I'm feeling more confident that the baby is going to stick with us for the long haul. One of the caveats about finding your pregnant so early is that miscarriage is still a high possibility, so it puts a bit of a damper on the current feelings of joy and surprise. I had never really believed I could get pregnant in the first place, so already I feel like we've won the lottery.

I'm trying to be super careful about my diet already since I know being overweight and getting pregnant is not the "ideal" situation, but it's the situation we're in , and I refuse to let it get in the way of anything. Most of our diet is baby-friendly anyway: lots of lean meats, whole grains, fresh veggies, etc. The crap that was getting in the way pre-pregnancy (haha, to say pre-pregnancy feels like it was ages ago!) is no longer an issue.

Into the unknown we go!