Negative. Try again later.

This is the first day that I've felt strong enough to come back to this blog and post to it. Just a few days after creating our blog, I experienced cramping and spotting. I made an appointment to visit the doctor the following Monday, and by the time I headed to the doctor I was miscarrying the pregnancy. An ultrasound performed by a very rude tech with no bedside manner was inconclusive, but my bloodwork showed a significantly lower level than we would've seen in a viable pregnancy. The next day the bleeding increased and it was clear that I had lost the pregnancy.

Each week I go back to get another blood test, hoping that the levels are close enough to zero that we can end that fruitless process and start again with the next cycle.

I know we have only been trying for a few months, and I know the well-meaners are right when they say we have time to try again and have a successful pregnancy. However, for those who have never lost a pregnancy, no matter how early or late, this loss is the loss of a CHILD. I feel as if I had a child in my arms that was snatched away from me.

My solace comes from the philosophy my husband and I have always believed in, that still holds true for us now. I have always believed there is a set number of "souls" that you are destined to encounter as a parent in your lifetime. If you lose a pregnancy, you have not lost that "soul" completely, it's more of a delayed meeting. I firmly believe that this was not our time to meet our little one, and that in the near future we will have a successful pregnancy in which she will be snug, secure, and sticky for all 9 months and beyond.

It doesn't make the wait any easier, however. :-(